February 1999

After all, January comes each year, dumps its requisite amount of snow on Southern Ontario (I can't speak for anywhere else) then disappears, usually in about 31 days, to make way for February. Now, February is worth celebrating. After all, how many months allow you to celebrate rodents AND martyrs without being thought of as mad? And if you're American, you get to throw presidents into the mix (hmmm... presidents as half-rodent, half-martyr... that might be worth exploring at some point).

But beyond all the other somewhat important events of the fine month of February there is one event which stands on its own, a beacon of light in a darkened, snow-covered terrain.

That event is, as you have no doubt guessed, my birthday.

Now, before you all start sending flowers and cards and presents and money, as appreciated as all those things are (well, maybe not the flowers, but that's only because they make my allergies act up), there is only one thing that I want, that I really, really want.

Fluorescent orange lava bombs.

Having said this, let me reassure the listening public that fluorescent orange lava bombs are essentially harmless, treated properly, but they give a certain "je ne sais quoi" to the decor of one's house, apartment, swimming pool, pool table, towel rack, underwear drawer, computer desk, stove, microwave (although putting fluorescent orange lava bombs in the microwave is definitely frowned upon, unless you like fluorescent orange lava all over the interior of your microwave) or what-have-you.

Even before wondering what to do with such seemingly unearthly apparitions, I'm sure that many of you are wondering (a) what in the world is a fluorescent lava bomb and (b) where do I find them? (and I'm sure that a few of you reading this are also wondering (c) where can I get some psychiatric help for the author?). Well, it is perhaps easiest to describe fluorescent orange lava bombs in terms of what it is that they are not. First off, they are not orange, they are not fluorescent, they are not made out of lava, and they are not bombs in the truest sense of the word, although, as I mentioned earlier, in a microwave environment they can be made to function in that way, to the extent that they turn fluorescent orange, transmute into lava, and explode. I've never quite figured out how that works, but I think it has something to do with Planck's equation. But I would not argue that hot dogs are bombs simply because they, too, can be made to explode in a microwave environment, so I think my argument has a leg to stand on. I can hear the objections being raised already, "If they're not fluorescent, orange, made out of lava, or bombs, why in the world are they called fluorescent orange lava bombs?" To that, I can only reply, because.

There is a better reason than that, or at least there was when I first became enamoured with fluorescent orange lava bombs, but like so much in life, it is now water under the bridge. Swift with the passing breeze it floats away, never to be seen again.

Where would one look to find fluorescent orange lava bombs? Well, there are a variety of locations. Probably the best place in which to find a fluorescent orange lava bomb is in a fluorescent orange non-volcano which is spewing non-lava, which then hardens to become non-magma. The key is to get it while it's still warm, and to keep this non-lava in a non-container, for a certain non-extended period of non-time. After it gets fundamentally fed up with being in its non-captivity in the non-container, it assumes the shape of a fluorescent orange lava bomb (and, amazingly, turns a metallic green).

Another place to look for fluorescent orange lava bombs is underneath the beds of young children. You are no doubt aware of the great fear and loathing that most young children have of going under their beds, because of the monsters underneath. Well, the monsters underneath all happen to come from lands which have fluorescent orange non-volcanoes, and as non-souvenirs of their homelands, they usually have quite extensive collections of fluorescent orange lava bombs. Even more remarkably, they are quite willing to give one or two to you if you ask really nicely.

Good luck, then, on your search for fluorescent orange lava bombs. Beware those monsters under the bed who would give you fluorescent pink lava bombs and try to pass them off as fluorescent orange ones. There aren't many like that, but the ones who are, are powerful indeed. And, if you just can't find any fluorescent orange lava bombs, I think money is a suitable substitute birthday present. But I really would like some new fluorescent orange lava bombs.